 What is Bonding?
Bonding is very difficult to define. The term generally refers to the investment that parents and babies have in each other, and is usually said to start from birth. It refers also to the relationships and attachments that build between other family members and relatives and the new baby.
Bonding for humans is not an instantaneous event that happens when the parents lay eyes on their baby, preferably seconds after birth. Most professionals involved with these fields agree that the first 18 – 36 months are critical. Though there is no critical period that you miss out on for example when your baby is whisked away at birth for checks etc. There is often a lot of pressure to form these bonds and relationships immediately after birth, this instant connection is not always universal; and more often the deep attachment grows over time. It is however now acknowledged that for mother and baby the time immediately after birth is the best time to start this exploration. Medical practice in most countries encourages mother and baby to be alone together immediately after birth to help with the bonding process and also encourage breastfeeding; not just because of its nutritional content but also because of its intimacy.
But this bonding process can start before birth whilst the baby is growing in the womb. The process can even start before conception, when the parents imagine holding their future baby in their arms. The process continues throughout the pregnancy and into infancy, and is flexible enough to overcome many obstacles like anxiety, illness and separation. In general, bonding happens when parents feel a heightened level of commitment, and it is reinforced when they think about or spend happy times with their baby.
The maternal bonding phenomenon used to begin at about 16 to 18 weeks into the pregnancy, when the mother could feel the baby kick in the womb. Ultrasound has changed all this, even during the first trimester (12 weeks), the feelings of attachment can grow for a woman (and often the father) who have seen an image of their unborn child. This event can help with father’s attachment and bonding with the unborn baby. It is also said that bonding (also known as attachment) is how babies - before and after birth - learn what the world is all about. It becomes part of their personality development. When there's a healthy attachment between baby and parents, the baby comes to believe that the world is a safe place. This is the beginning of the establishment of trust.
As with any other relationship, bonding with your baby is a matter of building trust and familiarity.
Attachment is a term also used in conjunction with bonding. It is a term used in child development used to describe what happens after birth, emotionally first between a mother (or caregiver) and her baby, and later between the baby and other adults. Attachment is defined as a deep lasting connection built on a foundation of security and confidence for the baby, in himself, with others, and the wider world. It provides a sense of security allowing them to explore their environment comfortably. It can be described by the relationship that starts when a baby cries to express a need and the mother responds promptly. If this is resolved happily and consistently then later baby will feel confident to reach out to children of its own age, and all sorts of people in the outside world. This is again all linked with the establishment of trust and security.
Distinct phases of attachment have been described:
The first phase (normally up to about 3 months of age) is an undiscriminating phase in which the baby does not discriminate between people and is likely to be comforted by anybody as much as by mother. It is a phase in which the newborn has almost no social responses. Needs are communicated through behaviour such as crying, grasping and sucking. It is critical that the caregiver (normally mother) is responsive to these signals. Attachment feelings increase as the caregiver meets the baby’s needs.
During the next phase, normally up to 6 months, the baby shows different responses to different people at close range. Baby can discriminate between the main caregiver and those that do not meet their most immediate needs.
In a period between 6 – 8 months and 24 months the baby is able to make different responses to people at a distance, these are often active responses that he expects others to react to. Baby has a growing need to explore, and for autonomy, but still needs to know that the primary caregiver is available to provide security and protection. Separation from the caregiver will cause severe anxiety; the infant will seem wary and uncomfortable in the presence of strangers. This is termed separation anxiety and is a natural part of their growth and development, you should not worry about this phase.
After two years of age the infant is less dependant on mother or caregiver and is becoming more sociable and at ease with strangers.
After three years of age the relationship changes from a dependant one to one that is more mutual; the infant has an appreciation of the caregiver’s needs.
These different stages and responses are quite natural and parents should not be alarmed if the developing child follows these patterns. Indeed if the infant does not follow these patterns then one should be concerned.
When attachment is said to be successful the term ‘secure attachment’ is used, the benefits of secure attachment are consistent with those where a strong bond exists between baby, mother and other family members. Click here for more information
The term attachment is also used in conjunction with a method of parenting –
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Bonding in the Family
Mothers have the lead during bonding and attachment for obvious reasons. With all the fuss over mother and baby, many fathers feel redundant and can feel as if they don't have a role, and so start to take a back seat. Fathers can feel isolated, left out or even jealous of the close relationship between mother and baby. This can extend from pregnancy (where the father is fairly impotent in terms of what he can physically do for the growing baby) to well after birth, especially if the mother breastfeeds. Because again the mother and baby have a uniquely close relationship both physically and emotionally. He may feel that he is missing out on this bonding process and may resent sharing their partner's affection with the baby.
But it is possible for father to become involved by:
- Being there - take time off from your job so you can give each other emotional support as you adjust to being parents
- Provide assistance – help with household tasks of cooking, cleaning, laundry etc.
- Become involved - help with the care of your baby, changing, clothing, bathing etc.
- Communicate - talk and read to your baby (even though you may not get a response back)
- Handle your baby as much as possible – rock your baby, wear your baby (by using a baby carrier)
Don’t forget to make time to be alone with your partner; share feelings with your partner and learn together. It is sometimes easy to forget you are a couple. Parents should also pay attention to how the other one is doing, supporting each other in bonding with the child.
Other family members may also become jealous of the intimacy and attachments that occur between mother and baby through breastfeeding, and it is often easy to forget that a family’s job is to care for, and support the mother as well as the baby.
Breastfeeding is very important; there are tremendous nutritional benefits and health benefits as well as bonding benefits, it should not be discouraged.
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The support required from family members is very important but possibly the most important is the care and support from father. He can provide physical and emotional support, he can head off discouragement and negative criticisms from other family members, and he can make mother comfortable whilst breastfeeding with such simple things as providing food and drinks, or even helping with the household chores or with the care of other siblings.
Other family members (dads most of all) may be anxious to share the most fundamental of baby care routines such as feeding and can feel excluded and perhaps a bit jealous of the close and unique relationship between a breastfeeding mother and baby. Involving father, siblings, and other family members in providing support for the breastfeeding mother and baby will allow them to feel more needed and essential in the effort to give the newborn the best possible start in life.
The birth of a new baby means changes for all family members. It can be difficult for siblings to adjust to the changes when a new baby is brought into the family unit. Other children need to be reassured of your love for them and their special role in the family. In preparation for the new arrival try to talk about families and the forthcoming event, try to make your children feel involved by letting them do things. After the arrival it is not uncommon for your older child to want your attention particularly at feeding time, have a snack ready or some other distraction. Give your child a lot of attention and make sure there are advantages to being older. Regression is common in younger children; try to continue to do many of the same things with the child that you did before the baby was born.
Encourage gentleness and interaction between your child and the new baby, don’t be afraid to set limits on their behaviour. But for safety’s sake never leave a child under seven alone with the baby.
Benefits and elements of Bonding
Children quite simply cannot grow up ‘normally’ unless they have a continuing stable relationship, the effects and benefits of bonding and attachment are that critical. This does not mean that you should be worried if you do not ‘feel’ bonded to your child but you should ensure that the child develops in an environment where they feel safe and secure. An environment in which they can rely on the consistency of the care that they receive and that their needs will be met. This will lead to the child developing into a confident, more ‘rounded’ person.
Children with secure early attachments are more likely in later years to:
- be better problem-solvers
- form friendships and be leaders with peers
- be more understanding and less aggressive
- be more self confident, have higher self-esteem
- be better at resolving conflict
- be more self-reliant and adaptable.
In contrast, children with anxious attachments are more likely in later years to:
- be socially withdrawn from peers
- be overly dependent on adults (e.g., teachers)
- have lower self-confidence
- victimise or be victimised by peers
- form fewer friendships
- be less emotionally healthy
Society as a whole benefits from secure attachment, as does the individual.
The term secure attachment as mentioned earlier develops from a constant and continuous relationship. It means that baby understands deep down that there is someone who can be trusted almost 24 hours a day, somebody that they can completely rely on who can interpret the world and who can explain his needs to the world.
It has been recognised that bonding and attachment occur through a cycle of stress reduction:
where there is a need this leads to frustration, which if satisfied appropriately leads to gratification, which in turns reinforces the basic principles of trust.
This is typified, as described earlier, by the feeding experience where babies get stressed because they are hungry and if their needs are met in a timely and appropriate way trust and reliance build. It is the continual reinforcement of this experience in a positive and consistent way that is the start of this secure relationship. Quite simply mother interprets the need and fulfills it.
What promotes bonding?
Bonding is a process that happens over time, it is shaped and fostered by the many moments of connection: the first scan, the first kick in the womb, the first time you gaze at your baby etc.
Bonding happens at different rates for each individual, but there are activities that will encourage your infant to bond with you and you to bond with your infant.
For many this process begins before birth, during the prenatal period, and for others it begins even before conception.
Things to do before birth during pregnancy
- Prenatal Bonding
For most people bonding begins in the womb. Research and observation have demonstrated the significance of these early experiences. This is the dawn of attachment, the period in which the baby-to-be and the parents begin the process of connecting. The parents and family initiate their first communications and the unborn baby has its first sensory experiences.
Many of the fundamentals for early bonding are focused at activities that involve some form of stimulation. These stimulation activities allow the prospective parents to become involved more with the baby, laying the foundations of bonding, also from the baby's perspective; laying the foundation for learning (link to pre-natal learning). Prenatal bonding has become very important. Starting before birth can involve mother, father and other members of the family. They start to interact with baby at a basic level initiating basic communication by stimulating the baby’s developing senses.
These stimulation techniques start early communication with the unborn child; this can easily lead to the growing baby taking on a personality in the minds of those carrying out these activities; and to the forming of these initial bonds and attachments much earlier than might normally happen.
Prenatal bonding can be considered under three major headings:
Understand the development of your unborn baby
It is obviously useful to understand that your unborn baby is capable of sensing their surrounding environment and at what stages in development these milestones may occur. Undertaking activities that stimulate these senses appropriately could enhance their future potential by increasing the number of brain cells and the connections between them (synapses). Brain development is activity dependant; the more experiences the more development, the more connections are made in the neural network. Every sensory system of the fetus is capable of functioning prior to birth. The unborn baby is keenly aware of his or her environment and reacts to changes in that environment. Click here for more information
Stimulation
Not only can a preborn baby react to sound, he or she can perceive different tastes and sights. Stimulation can be achieved by touching, patting, stroking, talking, singing and playing music. This stimulation lays the foundation for early learning.
Reading stories or poems aloud and listening to music are activities that most people think of immediately. As you listen or read, add movement such as patting, stroking, rocking, swaying, or any other rhythmic response. You can encourage your partner to enjoy feeling the baby kick and move by resting a hand on, or stroking, your abdomen.
As part of the learning programme before birth mothers are encouraged to talk and sing to their baby whilst in the womb, even fathers can participate in these activities. This should also help with the development of their bonding experience.
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Understand the stress hormone link
From six months on a preborn baby can share mother's emotions via the hormones associated with them. Mother's emotions don't cross the placenta, but her hormones do. Researchers believe that a stressed mother produces an abundance of stress hormones called catecholamines, which have been shown to, in turn, affect emotions. The fetus decodes maternal emotions through a neurohormonal dialogue, hormones that are released by nerve impulses. Consider the long-term effects of your emotional life. Studies suggest that the short-term emotional upsets and quickly resolved anxieties that occur in all pregnancies do not harm the baby emotionally, but major emotional disturbances and unresolved crises throughout the pregnancy, may lead to emotionally troubled children.
Things to do after the birth of your baby
The first few years of life is when the groundwork for all development is laid and attaining a strong, healthy attachment is the key. The major elements can be considered as follows:
Understand how your baby’s senses develop
At birth the baby is considered a ‘blank sheet’, its senses and capabilities will develop rapidly over the next three years, it is a critical time for learning and bonding. By the age of 3, approximately 75% of the growth of the brain is complete; this period is critical for the emotional and intellectual development of your child.
At birth baby’s hearing is fully developed but vision is not. At birth baby can distinguish light and dark but not detail. It is helpful to know what are considered ‘normal’ development stages and what activities can be undertaken to provide a stimulating, secure environment where learning and bonding becomes a natural result.
It is good to learn your baby's cues and respond to them quickly. Mother, father and wider family can all be involved at this critical time.
Breastfeeding
After birth breastfeeding plays a very important role in the development of these strong bonds and attachments between mother and child. It is not just the best food source but also provides the best environment for the establishment of trust. The baby is in a secure, safe environment, skin to skin, with all of their needs being met: food, comfort, security - what could be better?
Breastfeeding causes the brain to release two hormones, prolactin and oxytocin, both of which are said to enhance feelings of nurturing, contentment and bonding. One of the chemical messengers that is released in the brain during breastfeeding is oxytocin. Oxytocin is produced in response to social contact, especially by the skin-to-skin contact that occurs naturally. Oxytocin promotes bonding patterns and creates desire for more contact; it is also transferred to the baby during breastfeeding.
Breastfeeding also causes dopamine and norepinephrine (adrenaline) to be produced which helps to maintain some of the effects of early bonding.
The close physical relationship and strong attachment that occurs between mother and baby during breastfeeding does not mean that the baby becomes too reliant and dependant on the mother, on the contrary breastfeeding leads to independent, well balanced children. Breast fed babies are often more confident and secure in later life because of the ‘closeness’, support and attention to their needs during this important development period. It is not just a good food source but it is also a source of comfort and security, being at the breast is a natural pacifier and ‘security blanket’.
Eye-to-eye contact and skin-to-skin contact cannot be closer and more comforting for such a fragile, defenceless individual, the environment is safe and reassuring; it provides the ultimate in security.
Mother too is fulfilled because she is giving her baby the best possible head start in life.
Breast really is best.
For more information on the benefits of breastfeeding - Click here
Stimulation
The early years are critical for later life. Babies who do not get enough love and attention in infancy are less likely to become well-adjusted adults. From the moment a baby is born every experience taken in by the five senses helps build the connections that guide development.
An early learning programme is based upon appropriate stimulation from birth. It forms the foundation for early learning, helps develop the numbers of synapses (connections in the brain), increases capacity and encourages a curiosity – a thirst for learning. The techniques allow interaction with all members of the family and will increase bonding and attachment for all involved.
Stimulation is easy but make sure you do not do too much as baby may ‘tune out'. You and baby need rest periods, quiet periods are good. As your baby grows, he'll learn that there are times for talking, laughing and reading; and times for quiet as well. If you use language carefully now and make reading times routine, your child will be able to discern later when it's important to listen.
Simple activities…
Talk to baby
Newborn babies know their mothers voice after birth and could be more familiar with others if they also ‘talked’ to baby in the womb. Even talking to your baby when you are out of sight may help baby lose that "out of sight, out of mind" mindset. Many babies are frightened when their parents are out of sight.
Read to baby
Reading will establish oral and visual connections; babies can also get physically involved in story telling. Showing pictures and describing them can increase capacity for language development as well as developing visual pathways in the early stages. Images would need to be very simple at first. Basic language and maths can be started from birth; in fact, it is the best time to start.
Play music
Babies have been shown to recognise music that was played to them whilst in the womb. Music is said to increase capability for mathematics because of its structure. Music can soothe and relax.
Play games with your baby
Lap games, peek-a-boo and patty cake help children develop skills like fine motor skills and object permanence (the fact that they are there even when you cannot see them) and also provide times of closeness for you and your baby. The games you play reinforce the close bonds that are required to establish trust.
Parents are an important part of the developmental equation; remember that your baby’s best toy is you. Interact with your baby as much as possible.
For more information on early learning - Click here
Environment
Ensuring that baby feels safe, secure and loved is very important. This environment gives baby the confidence to explore their environment, when they are ready, if they know that there is always a safe place to return to.
Simple steps…
Touch
Opiods are natural chemicals that are released in a child’s brain as a response to a parents’ warm hugs and kisses. They reduce pain awareness and induce feelings of elation that enhance bonding. Parents and baby learn to enjoy contact as a response to opiod release.
Hold, hug, kiss, massage and ‘carry’ your baby. This close contact engenders bonding and emotional ties between both parties.
Kissing and hugging are intimate activities and are signs of affection that can help promote attachment. Bathing with your baby allows skin-to-skin contact, which is elemental toward developing attachment, and it's a routine that provides stability and builds trust between you and your baby.
Massaging your baby is especially useful for babies that get worked up quickly and have a hard time calming down, and is useful for babies that aren't able to self-soothe. But it does not have to be limited to times of stress, set-aside time before or after a bath or during changing, too.
Babies whose mothers or fathers ‘ wear’ them in baby carriers are calmer and cry less, it facilitates bonding. They are more receptive to learning and display enhanced visual and auditory alertness. Travelling can also sometimes be easier and for very young babies, the motion is soothing and similar to the womb. It can often help calm babies with colic, as well. ‘Wearing your baby’ brings closeness and a form of comfort that father cannot gain any other way.
Being close and attentive
Being attentive to the needs of your baby may be difficult at times because the only initial form of communication may be crying but often there is a reason for the tears. Try to be there when your baby wakes up, make it a habit to occasionally be nearby when baby wakes up, and be ready with a hug. Look at your baby while you are feeding him. Looking at your baby promotes attachment of course; but it also helps babies develop their own sense of identity. When you look into baby's eyes during breastfeeding, there is an intimate closeness of contact; this coupled with the warmth of being nestled in your arms and skin-to-skin contact provide this attentive bond. Try not to be too smothering. Providing a relaxed, loving, caring environment will promote trust and feelings of security.
Some basic guidelines for new mothers:
Give yourself time to rest and get over the birth but do make an effort to spend as much time in physical contact with your baby as you can - this is an important part of the bonding process for both you and your baby.
- Try to get some sleep - no-one feels rational when they are exhausted
- Limit the number of visitors so that you and your baby have a chance to spend some proper, quality time together
- ‘Wear’ your baby in a carrier - the feeling of closeness will help forge a bond
- Make lots of eye-to-eye contact. It will help your baby feel secure and he will relate to you better
- Have lots of cuddles to help reassure you both
- Find activities that help you and your family engage with your new baby – play, talk and sing to him/her or try a gentle baby massage
- Use some early learning techniques to help develop relationships and bonding (link to dev)
Attachment Parenting
What is attachment parenting?
The term attachment in this context was coined in the 1960’s when British psychiatrist John Bowlby proposed a biological bonding theory between a mother and her baby. The theory promoted close contact between mother and baby which included extended breastfeeding (weaning to be led by the infant), co-sleeping, ‘baby wearing’ and constant attention to the baby’s physical and emotional needs.
This form of parenting encounters criticisms from others because it is often perceived that this will create clingy spoiled children because the dependant stage for them is much longer. But studies have shown this to be incorrect because this dependency phase is completely fulfilled in children of attached parenting. In many cases where children were deprived of this level of need fulfillment early in their development they have grown up to exhibit malfunctions in adulthood such as depression, drug abuse and violent behavior.
Attachment parenting is a style of caring for your infant that brings out the best in baby and the best in the parents. It is an approach, rather than a set of rules all about birth bonding, the way baby and parents get started with one another. It is all about being responsive and attentive to their needs in this critical early period. Breastfeeding and baby wearing are important elements of this responsive care process. Breastfeeding allows you to read your baby, getting to know them very personally. Baby wearing allows father as well as mother to provide a comfortable, secure environment for getting around whilst still being close to baby.
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Being attentive means responding to crying, which is often a sign from baby that there is a need to be interpreted. It could even mean sleeping close to baby so that these needs can be met more rapidly.
Above all it is best to remember that balance is key, enthusiasm is fine but try not to get too carried away too much for too long can ‘turn off’ your baby.
Following this path may seem very arduous but the rewards in the longer term cannot be stressed enough.
Lastly; ignore anyone who says you are spoiling your baby. You will be able to prove them wrong soon enough when your child is secure enough in your love to venture out independently to explore the world.
What about Independence?
It’s good to encourage independence - providing that it is allowed to develop at a child's own pace. Because of natural development rates it is only when your infant is about 3 years old that a child will really benefit from pre-school activities without mum being there too. This is reinforced by the overwhelming weight of Psychological theory and research that has suggested, for most of this century, that the origins of good mental health lie within the mother/child relationship.
Studies have shown that mothers and relatives show significantly more affection and responsiveness towards their children than most care workers and that mothers who employ childcare for their young children are less likely to be sensitive to the subtle signals of their children. Extended day-care has been linked to negative and aggressive behaviour and decreased co-operation with both peers and adults. Primary school children who had extensive (30+ hours) day care in infancy may find it harder to work at school and follow the rules, and find making friends harder.
Decades of research confirm that young children do best when raised within home by informed, confident and happy mothers, dads and carers who are fully aware of a child's emotional needs.
Finally
- Attachment and bonding follows from parenting.
- Parenting your child is an important task in life.
- Do it with all the care and love that you've put into the pregnancy, be responsive to your baby, and the parenting will follow.
- The best start that you can give your child is to allow him (or her) to grow in a supportive, caring environment.
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